Dermatology dream #293475

I was so terribly excited to see the dermatologist so that she could finally remove the melanoma on my arm. She peeked at the offending mole, sliced it halfway off, magically magnified the tissue right then and there using some sort of crazy space-age microscope, and said, "Yep, melanoma."

Instead of finishing the job, slicing the sucker off and sending it to the pathology lab, she then sat back and took the time to tell me in great detail about all the mistakes I was making regarding my eyebrow plucking.

Just for you, my most recently ex-ex-pat friends and the dancing Chinese underwear models that love you

I was minding my own business, trying to fall asleep, when J. Lo appeared and made out with me for about ten seconds. She took off, and then, just as I was adjusting to the bizzareness of that, GWEN STEFANI appeared, and then we had to make out too. Word must have been getting around.

Glue?

Our party went on forever. A new posse of guests arrived around 5 am, with more coming in around 7 am. I was doing my best to herd people out but no one moved. The main culprits were Adam's sister Lauren and her friends, who were draped over the floor of the apartment, barely moving.

The hardwood floors were strewn with small tubes of Krazy Glue, which I deduced were used to help prep the speed before they shot it into their veins. Strange that these tweekers were so slothful after using all those amphetamines. Ahh, dreamland.

Up, up, and away!

Denice and I were paddling our canoe through New Orleans. We were having a pretty fun time considering the canoe traffic jam that we were in.

Suddenly, our tall, Christian, good-natured ex-classmate Ryan zoomed out of nowhere in his high-speed 4x4 water boat that moved on tank-like tracks. He drove his boat right over us, picked up our canoe, and we bounded together through the water, skeetering across like a water strider bug on crack.

And it was grand just to stand with his hand holding mine.....TILL THE END OF THE LIIIINE

I woke up from a nap to find that Adam and I were having a party, it was 11 pm, and I had slept through much of the festivities. I went into the living room to unwrap these triangle tuna sandwiches stacked in a giant pile to get some food going and recharge the party.

Several people waltzed into the kitchen, and then, in the greatest dream sequence ever, we all starting singing at the top of our lungs, "CLANG CLANG CLANG WENT THE TROLLEY! DING DING DING WENT THE BELL!" By the end of the song, we were dizzy with sing-a-long and finished with a flourish, exhilarated.

Again, don't watch John Waters movies before bed

Matt was wearing a lovely, pink fuzzy scoop-necked sweater set. He loved it, and told me Scot had knit it for him. I liked the handiwork, but was like, "Good lord, a man in a sweater set?"

Soon afterwards, I was trying to help the cops ID this criminal, but all I could remember were his grey hat with a one-inch brim, and that he had a faint pinkish line circling his face.

Finally, I was in somewhere like Slidell, the water was rising, and I was trying to get some paper towels. I reached up to grab some, but realized mid-grab that they were actually part of a large woman's hairdo.

When I get to where I'm going, I'm gonna buy me all new clothes

I found these sweet new going-out style fancy tops in my closet that I didn't know I had. But psychic disaster struck, and I couldn't choose which one to wear. This dream went on for fucking ever, and I was thrilled to wake up to shake off the feeling of horrific indecision.

But later, when I came home to change to go out again, I forgot that the clothes weren't real, and was pissed when I couldn't find them in my closet.

Partying with the big girls

I was hanging out with Jennifer Aniston, Winona Ryder, and some other blonde celebrity that I forget. I was watching them being approached by their fans and was totally not even jealous.

This guy wearing only a towel around his waist with dark curly hair like Ben Stiller approached J. Aniston for her autograph. She smirked, shot some line back at him, and I realized that they were re-enacting some previously completed scene from a movie or TV show.

Tiny birds and tiny cows

The pet store was almost empty. I was looking for dogs, but all they had left were two short, squat refrigerators of animals.

One housed a box of birds so tiny they looked like toothpicks with small spots of color at the tips. I opened the other refrigerator to find a cardboard container of tiny, tiny cows; ten could fit in the palm of your hand.

I tried to find my way to other pets but stumbled out the wrong door into a giant mall and couldn't find my way back.

Superdome

Jamie and I were up in the bleacher seats in an enclosed stadium; people were milling around below us. She stood on the metal rails looking down onto the field and said, "Jump! It's fun!" She smiled at me and dove into the seats below.

I stepped onto the rails, watching her fall, and prepared to jump myself.

A little fall of rain

I, as I often am in this most recurrent dream, was about to peform a musical number without any prior knowledge that I would be on stage. In this case, I was slated to perform 'On My Own' from Les Miserables in a talent show. I needed to rehearse, but my friend Katrina wanted to interview me before the show started.

I stole a few minutes beforehand to warm up and see if I remembered the words. At first, I thought I sounded okay, but then I realized all my vowels were coming out wrong.

Cut your hair, you look like a girl

My mother was on my case about my hair. I haven't cut my hair since 2004, true. She thought it looked strangely layered and shaggy, which it is. It was when she actually asked how I was feeling that I knew I must be dreaming.