Freelove Freeway

I found out that the hilarious anthem "Freelove Freeway", penned and performed by David Brent, was actually not written by David Brent. I found this to be very depressing, as the song somehow became un-hilarious when I thought about it being written/sung by anyone else.

Retrospectively, this letdown seems unjustified, because David Brent really took "If You Don't Know Me By Now" to new heights in the two-hour Office Special. The out-covered members of Simply Red should be the ones hanging their heads.

Collective unconsciousness-raising

A friend and I were wandering around a college-classroom-type building and stumbled into a meeting full of young people slouching/lying in a circle. We decided to lie down and participate, as this seemed to be some sort of support group or consciousness-raising type meeting.

The leader of the meeting asked all people who could answer "yes" to a particularly personal and revealing question to raise their hands, and I slowly raised mine, along with one other person. I knew immediately afterwards that it was a very bad idea to expose my secret to all these people, but I figured since I didn't know them it wouldn't be too bad in the long run.

The meeting soon concluded and I tried to slink out as fast as possible, but not before a guy from my residency program came over to say hi. I knew that he knew this thing about me, and even though he said he wouldn't tell anyone, I became extremely paranoid and starting wondering if there were other people that I knew at the meeting as well.

Here's the funny thing--I then realized that I was dreaming, which brought temporary relief, since I realized that only I would know what had happened when I woke up. But I couldn't figure out whether or not we were all dreaming together, or if it was just me, and I was terrified that everyone else in the dream would wake up, would all remember the same dream, and would still remember what I had said.

And I thought Geoff couldn't get any greater

Geoff Hughes was Queen of England. He was sitting, newly coronated, in a scene most reminiscent of Barry Lyndon's denouement, signing his first checks as Queen. He slowly carved out "Queen of England" in cursive with a fountain pen, and after each flourish, he would sneak me a sideways look, as if to say, "Holy shit, it's great to be Queen."

I initially assumed that being Welsh had something to do with Geoff's newfound royalty, but when I looked at his piercing blue eyes, chemically ethereal and spice-infused, I knew there was something else going on.

Most banal dream ever

I impressed a small group of co-workers by proving to them that I had indeed memorized the two codes to our copy machine.

Nor'easter

I was trapped on an island off the Northeast coast and, as usual, a hurricane was approaching. Adam and his sister were there, and I followed them from our island home to a bobbing dinghy where we huddled under the dirty mainsail.

Adam knew how bad the storm was, but he wouldn't tell me, since he knew how I would react. Inexplicably, we all climbed out of the boat and went back to the house to hunker down, and I stewed while Adam's sister arranged stockpiled boxes of Pop Tarts on the carpet.

Anencephaly

I was walking by the nursery in the hospital and a nurse passed me a newborn baby. The baby was tiny and first I thought it was premature, but then realized that its head was not fully formed and there was a large dent in the skull. I was a little freaked out when I realized the baby was fully anencephalic, but then decided I would hold him or her anyway, since he or she didn't have long to live.

Hidden Talents

Naomi Watts was starring in a movie about a rich, neurotic New York woman. There was an extended shot of her crocheting a blanket to relieve her anxiety, and by god, she was the fastest crocheter I've ever seen.

Civic Literacy

San Francisco instituted a law stating that all city residents had to write a two-page paper and read it aloud in front of an audience once a year. (I love this idea! I'm calling Gavin Newsom!)

Anyway, I wrote my essay and handed it in to a nearby bookstore. They told me I could put the paper in a corner in one of two piles--either anonymous or non-anonymous. I chose anonymous. Apparently this bookstore was waiving the reading requirement. I was thrilled, as the idea reading in front of strangers had been causing me great distress.

Just as I was leaving, having completed my civic duty, a group of about eight grey-haired ladies touting spiral-bound notebooks came in and started their writing group.

Surely no judge of hairstyle

I was hefting this large pea-green vinyl chair over my head as I walked down a wooden pier to the ocean. And I was thinking, won't life be great when I finally leave medicine and open my own hair salon!

Mr. Jellineck and Popeye thighs

Paul Dinello from Strangers With Candy left the world of comedy to become a Broadway star. He was starring in his first production as some kind of Egyptian monarch, wearing lots of gold, including a golden headdress.

In other news, my favorite hipster brown pants were too tight in the thighs. I thought it was strange, since my waist is now smaller, that my thighs would have ballooned so.

Leapin' Lizards

I was at yet another party, and once again, we started singing. There was a group of us, sitting around, having good times, when we, without warning, burst into song. "TOGETHER AT LAST! TOGETHER FOREVER! WE'RE TIED IN A KNOT! THEY NEVER CAN SEVER!" Together we sang the rousing and uplifting finale to the movie version of Annie. Daddy Warbucks would have been proud.

Then, I was stalking my supergenius co-worker on Friendster. I found multiple profiles with his name, and opened one where the picture looked most like him. I then realized the secret to his success—he was 51 years old! His insane knowledge of blood bank factoids and random medical trivia suddenly made sense. But then, I realized that I had the wrong profile. He looked much more like the guy in this other picture, the guy who was 23.